Thursday, September 17, 2009

Missed an item - go back two spaces

So today was supposed to be our first try. MJ has been through 4 doctors appointments to get to today. We have filled out forms, had things notarized, signed papers, paid $350 for an hour of counseling, rush ordered sperm (which wasn't cheep), had a self injected shot sent to the house, and MJ had an ultrasound. So what could be left???

It is funny to me how life works. When you are willing to be open about what is going on, you find people all around you who have been where you are at in some form or another. What has been on my mind lately ... adoption.

The counselor talked to me about the stress of adoption, the Dr. has told me I have no legal rights to the baby until AFTER it is born - which seems like no big deal. But imagine the tragedy if my wife dies in labor - guess who would get our baby .... yup her parents. Not me. So needless to say my legal rights have been on my mind.

I have both a brother and a best friend who are adopted. Even though I know a lot about it, I had NO IDEA the process of adoption and how stressful it is for the adopting parents.

It all really elevated about a week ago when MJ came home and told me that her friends (heterosexuals and married) had been turned down after months of working with an adoption agency because of the BMI. The what???? The BMI - the body mass index. They got turned down not because they didn't pass three background checks or because they didn't have the money or because their marriage was unstable - no, no they got turned down because they are over weight...WTF!!! Isn't that discrimination?!? Now I have seen them both and these are not people who are out of breath after climbing a bus. These are active people who don't seem that overweight. If they had known that was a factor, they would have tried losing weight before the home study. I couldn't believe it. I still can't.

Second thing that happened was my close lesbian friends R and K just had a baby. Now K carried the baby and R is the "other mom". I figured once their daughter was born - R would go down to the courts, fill out a form, K would sign it and they would be on their merry gay way. Nope R has had to go through background checks, finger printing, written a novel about herself, paid $800 bucks and now has to go through a home study. Their daughter is already almost two months old. How can this be? No one asked K to fill out a background check to keep her daughter. Why does R have to go through all this when they used donor sperm and there is no father?

So if you remember earlier I told you one of our action items was to get a lawyer. We have been emailing a woman up in Denver who is an expert in adoption law. Well MJ finally was like "isn't there someone closer who can help us?" Turns out there was. Tom Beltz is an adoption attorney in town and when I started talking to him and his office he told me "Don't do the insemination until papers are drawn". Apparently there are these agreements we can fill out along with our intended birthing plan. If we do it, I don't have to go through as many aadoption hoops. Like no home study. We just have to file some paper work when our child is born and the baby will be legally mine too. Plus it is supposed to protect my rights incase something tragic happens to my wife - that fact is very important to me.

So sadly MJ and I had to cancel our doctor's appointment for today. We have a meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. We both agree it is the right thing to do and God's timing will work out how it is supposed to be.

Take aways
1. Have paperwork drawn BEFORE insemination. It cuts down on legal issues later down the road and protects the non-birth parents rights.
2. If you are adopting, be aware that they may use your weight, and your savings account against you.
3. If you are adopted, your parents went through a LOT to get you. Sometimes years of waiting. You were wanted and planned. That really says something.

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