Hulk Smash!

Ever see the Incredible Hulk show on TV from like the 80s? I have a picture of Lou Ferrigno on my desk that one of my employees made me. It has the all important tag line "Because you won't like me when I'm angry".

I feel like the Hulk some days .... not all burly and manly... but slow to anger. But when I do get angry, it's not pretty just like Lou Ferrigno in green make-up and a wig.

It was a trying weekend. My prediction was wrong and I knew MJ was frustrated at Thanksgiving and no matter what I couldn't make it better. So now we have to try again for a third month and all I want to do is break things in the Doctor's office because they represent the fact that I can't make things any better and I can't do anything to make this process better.

Just like the Hulk I want to recklessly smash through walls, break things and run through the city with no top on and ripped up jean shorts .... well maybe not the topless part. But instead I think I will take a walk, eat some lunch, and when I get home tonight, hug the dogs. I think I will also sit down and pray and remind myself that as long as I am learning, no effort is wasted.

Another Month...Another Try

With the holiday came my period...perhaps that could explain my foul mood. My mother always said I have the worst PMS. Even that feels like a poor excuse for my bad attitude!

So we are on square one to try again. Its leaving both of us grasping for a remedy.

My girl has a theory that the physician's probing is possibly causing more harm than good. She has thrown out the idea of no pre-insemination probing instead me using the "traditional" LH test... aka. pee on a stick ovulation kit. I am not a fan of the probing, and it does seem pretty invasive. I just recall one of those physicians saying the ultrasound is more accurate than the LH test. But I also agree with my girl in that the ultrasound is interpreted by the physician, what if they are interpreting my eggs all wrong.

Then there is a part of me that wants to go ahead and take Clomid this month. Which is a "fertility aid" if you will. It increases the chance of twins by 8%, which seems like a small margin.... but then again, the chances of me getting pregnant are 15%... Ironically the physicians say 15% is good odds, and 8% is minimal.... so I guess somewhere between 8 and 15 there is a line between good/minimal.... or their attempts at making the numbers look better are pretty visible.

Which way to go?? I feel very conflicted, sometimes I want to take Frank's advice on Friends and just get drunk it worked for a lot of girls in his highschool.

Either way, I have to send in paperwork so that we can have more sperm mailed to our physician's office. And I need to call the fertility clinic to report my period... When we started this I thought that was funny the whole calling someone to tell them I got my period, I felt like a young teen getting my first period and announcing to the world I'm a woman... now it's not so funny and I feel sadness and don't really want to call at all.

Humbugging is silly

If I could define my mood yesterday it would be cranky, unthankful and completely self centric. On a day that I was supposed to be thankful I did the opposite I took for granted those around me and was a moody hum bugger all day long.

I want to spew out a thousand excuses for my attitude but what good is an excuse. When I think about the origins of my mood, I think that my attempt to not get my hopes up this month took an ugly turn for vile pessimism.

I apologize that I lost my focus on what yesterday was, a day of Thanksgiving. Im mostly sorry for taking my frustration out on my girl, her every attempt to help out or make things easier I turned and twisted into "feeble attempts" that made things worse for me and let her know it in my words and mean glances.

I can't change yesterday but I can do what I should have done yesterday today.

Here is my list of what I am thankful for:

I am thankful for my family and most of all my girl, their very presence in my life is a blessing. All the support they give me day in and day out is a gift that many live without.

I am thankful for my friends and the difference their influence on me makes in my life.

I am thankful for my dogs, who show how easy loving unconditionally is.

I am thankful for all the material things I have that I take for granted.

I am thankful that there is a way for us to try and have a baby in an unconventional manner and we live in a society that has progressed enough to where we can take that avenue as a lesbian couple and not be denied that path.

So I think about it everyday

I am a pretty patient person. I think that is what makes me amiable many days ...but I would be lying if I said I didn't think about MJ's possible pregnancy everyday. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the days.

This month we have taken then approach of "Let's not get our hopes up." But come on - she lives with a dreamer. Everyday I have been imagining what it might be like to see those little pink lines. I see pregnant woman and I think "Oooo I can't wait". Then I see kids screaming in line at a movie and I think "Hum ... I guess they can't stay tiny forever but I still want one."

So we will see (that's code for I am not allowed to predict that on Thanksgiving we will see two pink lines)

A little Prayer and A Little Hope

I was given a prayer from someone I love very much who also is trying to start a family and I wanted to share it... Maybe those of you who read this can say this prayer for me and other women trying for the same hopes of being a mother.

"Lovely Lady of La Leche, most loving mother of the child Jesus and my mother, listen to my humble prayer. Your motherly heart knows my every wish, my every need. To you only his spotless virgin mother has your Divine Son given to understand the sentiments that fill my soul. Intercede with him now, my precious mother, that, in accordance with His will, I may become the mother of other children of our heavenly Father. This I ask, O Lady of La Leche, in the name of your Divine Son, my Lord and Redeemer.Amen"

This is a Catholic prayer and neither I nor the person who sent this to me are Catholic, but the prayer seems fitting for how we feel.

Pregnancy is a tricky thing for some of us and it is hard to watch others get pregnant with such ease or those who are stricken with it like an accidental disease while you have to take all these steps and go see all these doctors because it is not something you can become conventionally. It is a test of patience and also a test of forgiving those who did nothing wrong but hope themselves.

Now that we are again waiting to find out if this try takes, It leaves me hesitant to hope and all to willing to pray.

A Funeral and the Future

So Saturday I had the opportunity to attend a funeral for a friend of MJ's who died way too young at 28. I didn't know him, but it was an honor to watch his friends and family mourn his loss. As his father tried to make it through his speech, he broke down ... not just into tears, but he had to be helped off the stage. As he was being helped off, he yelled "I love you son!". My heart just broke and I couldn't help think of my cousin who died one year earlier to the day and of my own future with potential children.

I remember when I was a kid - like 8 or something - I asked a crazy question (as kids do) to my mom "If you had to save me or dad who would you save?" She said "You". When I asked why she said "because that is what your father would want." This never made any sense to me, but as I get close to having kids of my own I am starting to get it.

You have this fantasy when you are starting to think of having kids that they will be perfect. You will have all these great Christmases together. You will get to see them grow up, learn, get married, have kids and be happy. You never think .. my kid might kill himself at 28, or my kid might die of AIDS at 41.

So today MJ and I went in for round two of "Let's make a baby". This time was more painful for her, and as I sat by her side, I wished I could help with her pain. I started reflecting on the funeral, the speeches, my cousin .... and I realized that life really is all about the little things.

And for the little things like today's Dr. visit, MJ's smile, my mom's emails, warm tea, dogs that finally poop when you ask them to, .... I say 'Thank you God for all the little things. May I cherish them all."

Too Many Metal Objects

This morning was my insemination... I fear it was a bit more painful this go round.

It seems my cervix was on the run so our Dr. had to use a clamp to grab it and hold it in place.... All I can say is F'n A that hurts! Its been a couple hours and it still hurts.

The good news is I have 13 million swimmers on the hunt, and I have very good looking mucus on my cervix. Never thought I would be happier to hear I have mucus! who knew mucus could be good looking!

The down side is the cramping I am feeling this time around because of the clamp. The clamp also caused some bleeding which they have assured us will have no affect on the insemination.

So it wasn't ideal but while laying on the table after the procedure, I looked at Seana and said.... that was probably nothing compared to labor... What am I getting myself into. She of course smiled and said that we could always adopt. All I could think is it may be too late to wimp out now! I really don't want to wimp out anyway.

I would prefer they use less metal objects when it comes to my nether regions.... I dont know what was worse the clamp or seeing the size of that thing before she inserted the sucker! YIKES!

Well here is to keeping our fingers crossed it takes! Maybe this is one procedure we wont have to do again for quite a while!

On the Move

Life keeps moving and so are we! We used this weekend and this week to move out of our place and into temporary living. As most of you know we are planning to move to Indiana in a few months the timing of which is being determined by a short sale we have put an offer in on.

In an effort to remain fertily optomistic, we both are thankful that last month was not a successful month in terms of becoming pregnant. With all the stuff we are moving from one place to the other and the amount of heavy items I've personally picked up and moved it's best that I am not pregnant.

We also don't want to skip a month, so during this hectic move we have fit in a couple appointments to see our reproductive specialist. My cycle is a bit slower than they anticipated so we have determined that this coming Monday will be my next insemination!

So I will be administering myself with a shot on Saturday evening to trigger the release of the egg. Which by the way was quite painless last month so I'm not even worried about it this time!

Thankfully this works well with the timing of our move, almost all heavy objects are in their rightful place, and those that have not been will be by Monday.

Now back to the task of unpacking in our basement apartment!